While there is a deep sense of comfort and companionship in the day to day habits of a long-term relationship’s sexual routine, sometimes a predictable sex life needs to be shaken up.
While purists may roll their eyes at the unexceptional writing quality and repetitive dialogue in the literature, the recent mass-scale fame of the Fifty Shades Of Grey trilogy has put kinky sex and BDSM on the map in a big way.
Since the spread of the cultural phenomenon, people of all ages have begun experimenting with light forms of BDSM (BD = bondage and discipline, Ds = dominance and submission, SM = sadism and masochism). Whether by introducing handcuffs, rope, electric wands, or just the occasional light tap on the bum into their bedroom routine, people are starting to dabble in getting their freak on.
But, wait, doesn’t kinky sex only appeal to people who are mentally unstable?
Misconceptions About Kink / BDSM
There are a lot of uninformed generalizations about BDSM perpetuated by the popular media. Here are just a few widely held misconceptions about kink/BDSM.
1. Kinky Sex Always Involves Pain
One of the most common misconceptions about BDSM/kinky sex is that every act must involve pain.
Pain (either the giving or receiving of it) is just one kink within a wide number of options.
Some people like to submit to others without receiving any pain. Others like to feel as much pain as possible without submitting in the slightest. And other people who associate as kinky don’t enjoy any of the above.
There are the same number of sexual kinks and preferences as there are people in the world. If you don’t like the giving or receiving of pain, that doesn’t mean that you should automatically pull yourself off the BDSM field and assume that you wouldn’t like pushing any sexual boundaries. It just means that that isn’t your thing… and that’s fine!
2. Dominants Are Evil, Uncaring People And Submissives Are Pushovers With Low Self-Esteem
There are a lot of assumptions about the character and personality of the type of people who would be drawn to alternative forms of sexuality. The most common assumptions being that dominants/tops must be cruel and emotionally detached, wanting to dehumanize/objectify their partner, and that submissives/bottoms are quiet, meek, people with low self-esteem. In both cases, nothing could be further from the truth.
Some of the most kind hearted, generous, and socially aware people that I’ve ever met were dominants. A dominant (or top) is someone who physically and mentally leads the sexual play. The dominant has to be hyper-aware of the person submitting to them in order that they don’t push them past their comfort zone or pain threshold (depending on what they’re doing).
And not only are most of the submissives that I’ve met not pushovers, they are often the people with some of the most strong, clear and direct personal boundaries that I’ve ever encountered. And it makes sense that they would be. In order to surrender yourself to someone and trust them to take you to your limit, you would have to know exactly what does and doesn’t work for you sexually.
For every dark, intense dominant I’ve met, I’ve met another soft-spoken, warm, loving dominant. And for every shy, passive submissive I’ve met, I’ve met another loud, excitable brat of a submissive. The role that they play in their sexual dynamic doesn’t inform their character just as much as their sexual preferences don’t.
3. No Normal People Engage In Kinky Sex
To the contrary!
According to a study of nearly 1,000 BDSM practitioners published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine (yes, that’s a thing), people who self-reported as being regular BDSM practitioners actually ranked as less neurotic, more open to new experiences, more conscientious, and had higher subjective well-being compared to those who engaged in more ‘vanilla’ (mainstream) sex.
So by that logic you’re actually more crazy to NOT try incorporating kinky sex in your bedroom routine.
4. BDSM Is Dark, Serious, And Intense
Some people assume that kinky sex is always dark and intense in nature. The word kink often conjures up images of a disturbed man with a sneer on his face, wearing leather pants, and holding a whip or paddle in his shaking hand.
In reality there is just as much room for playfulness, laughter, experimentation, and joy in kinky sex as there is in vanilla sex.
Remember, not all kink is about pain or dominance and submission. Kink can be as simple as tickling your partner with a feather, or gently pinning one of your partners wrists down with your hand. It’s not all whips and chains!
Why You Should Try Kinky Sex
1. It Makes You Question What You Might Enjoy
There are a lot of things that people accept into their lives because they believe that that is what is expected of them. This is a cognitive bias called “should thinking” (as in “I should be doing X by this point in my life”).
A lot of people just accept that there is one normal way to relate to others sexually and so they never stop to think about what actually arouses them as an individual.
What if the greatest orgasm of your life is still coming for you because you haven’t tapped into your honest sexual nature just yet? You’ll never know unless you try.
2. It Pushes Your Limits
Anything that challenges your preconceived notions and deeply held beliefs helps you grow as a person.
Maybe you’ve fantasized about some type of sexual play for years but never felt comfortable or safe enough to try acting on it. By letting your partner know about it, and trying your hand at it, your relationship can grow deeper and you will benefit by feeling more confident in your ability to ask for what you want and to be rewarded with a deeper sense of pleasure than ever before.
3. More Trust And Closeness With Your Partner
Engaging in any form of BDSM or kinky sex inevitably requires you to engage in a high degree of trust in each other. The bottom/sub trusts that the top/dom will respect their boundaries and stop when/if they use their safe word, and the top/dom trusts that the bottom/sub will use their safe word and communicate with them throughout the sexual experience as necessary.
After having shared such a raw, and potentially vulnerable experience with your partner you will inevitably feel a blissful afterglow that will bond you as a couple even further.
4. A Wider Array Of Options To Avoid Bedroom Burnout
While there is a great sense of comfort and contentment that comes with a long-term relationship’s sexual dynamic, during certain phases of your relationship you or your partner may find yourselves wanting to experiment a little.
By dipping your toe into the ocean of kinky sex, your options will change overnight from an either/or situation to a choose-your-own adventure buffet. Off the top of my head, there’s: spanking, handcuffs, rope, blindfolding, biting, hair pulling, role-play, orgasm denial, and erotic massage.
The more variety there is to choose from, the less chance you have of becoming under-stimulated with your bedroom routine.
5. Gives You A Deeper Sense Of Relaxation
Have you ever gone on a hike up to a beautiful peak?
You know that warm feeling of accomplishment that permeates your body and mind when you’ve arrived at the top?
Even if your shoes are dirty, your thighs are sore, you’re sweating, and a tree scratched you on the way up… all of that falls away as the endorphins and happy chemicals flood your brain, and you look out over the amazing view that you’ve earned.
That’s what the aftermath (and the duration) of kinky sex feels like. Eventually all sensation blends together and you are left in a state of euphoria.
Again, you never know how much you could enjoy it until you give it a whirl.
How Do You Bring It Up With Your Partner?
Curious to try your hand at kinky sex but not sure how to bring it up with your partner?
Read Fifty Shades Of Grey (or read any BDSM erotica online) and see which kinds of scenes your body responds to. Show your partner this article and ask them what they think about it. Ask them if they’ve ever had any sexual fantasies that they would want to try out.
Your foray into kinky sex doesn’t have to be a total lifestyle shift. It can be something that you have a conversation about, you dabble in once or twice, and then let fall to the wayside. But if you never try, then you’ll never know. It could be the greatest tool that you’ve ever come across for stimulating a more deeply intimate and spiritual sexual connection with your significant other.
So give it a try. That’s an order.
